Do I really want to do this??

So odd, went to our first hunter trial yesterday - all went well and we jumped clear (including a truly scary hedge), so why am I feeling deflated and not at all sure I really want to compete? Would I feel differently if I hadn't bogged up the time section as I was so sure that we wouldn't be in contention (but the hedge put paid to a lot of people). I am just SO bad, and so unfit (despite my now swimming 30 mins a day), I still look like an accident waiting to happen, tipping about all over the place. I think (thinking aloud here), if I was more secure then I would enjoy it more - BUT I don't have an arena, lessons are just so expensive and daughter has first dibs as she is doing it 'properly' and needs them (I know, I know, but she is going over enormous fences and I need her to stay safe!) BUT Foxy absolutely loved it .... so why am I feeling so down about it?? (answers on a postcard ...) Photo of hedge (and me the far side!)

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